Lecture Comment: Conversation

Good conversation requires listening. Next time you find yourself in conversation, pay attention to how often you listen to the other person. Much of the time we conversationalists are not listening; we are preparing for our turn to talk. We assume we know where the other person is going, stop listening and think of how we might respond long before they finish. We worry about what we just said or what they might say. Something they say reminds us of a story that we are suddenly dying to tell. You will be surprised at how often you cut the other person off, if not out loud, then in your head.

How very true! As a journalist, there’s probably nothing more enlightening — or humbling, for that matter — than having to listen to a recording of a conversation with an interview subject. I do this every week, actually, because one of my many duties at the news organization where I work is to produce a weekly interview column in question-and-answer format. (The material is edited and condensed by me.)

Besides loathing the sound of my own voice, I also cringe at the little faux pas I sometimes commit during these recorded conversations: cutting off someone in mid-sentence to inject a question I think is important; asking a question the interviewee might have already answered five minutes before; or not fully understanding the answer to a question and following up with a question that’s a bit off the mark.     

The problem is partly a listening one. Admittedly, I might be too concerned with the questions I want to ask or the direction where I want to take the interview that I sometimes lose sight of what was being said. I’m not fully hearing. But I don’t think I am the only person guilty of this, and, in my defense, I must deal with time constraints that preclude more leisurely conversations.

Still, by listening to these recordings, I find myself making a conscious effort to listen better — and not just during these interviews, but in normal conversations with friends or colleagues. I can always tell when people aren’t really listening to me: they don’t directly respond to what I have to say but immediately turn the conversation to themselves. It’s suddenly all about them, and it’s almost as if we’re engaging in separate, parallel conversations.

Another pet peeve is pomposity. Many years ago I attended a news conference given by the world’s central bankers. One of the journalists there asked a question filled with technical jargon and $10 words; it went on for several minutes. To which a more down-to-earth journalist sitting next to me whispered loudly: “Wouldn’t it be funny if they just answered, ‘yup’ or ‘nope!’ ”